


Happiness Is Uneventful

by WitchLeitmotif



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Driving, Gen, Heartbreak, How Do I Tag, It's not the main focus tho, Light Angst, My First AO3 Post, it's simpler than you think, learning what happiness is, little nervous, that therapeutic car drive, we're here to recover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-12-01 21:56:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20911262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitchLeitmotif/pseuds/WitchLeitmotif
Summary: A little, unpolished piece I wrote about the time I realized what happiness was. It's not much, but I hope it's at least a little interesting and maybe a tad helpful.





	Happiness Is Uneventful

**Author's Note:**

> this took almost a year to finish because I'm bad working through my own emotions.

For some idiotic reason, I had always thought I'd find the strongest happiness when I was in love or in a relationship. It's naive, I know, but for me, someone who had spent the majority of her life alone, prevented from having friends, it seemed reasonable at the time. It took my heart breaking for the very first time to realize just how wrong I was. Looking back on it now however, it makes me feel rather _petty_.

In a moment of selfish jealousy, I was hurt and angry when I found out the love of my life got engaged. If someone I knew felt this way I would never call them petty, but I'm not as kind to myself. I sat on the living room floor in the middle of the night, sobbing without making a sound. I was a terrible friend, thinking only of myself, how she knew about my complicated feelings for her and told me they were valid, that she still loved and cared about me.

"I know you care more than anybody in this world." she had told me once upon a time as I comforted her.

She was right. That's why the news crushed me until I couldn't find the will to beg for mercy. I wanted to disappear, maybe the depths of the ocean and its overwhelming pressure would straighten the wrinkles on my heart. What about the cold reaches of outer space? I could drift among fading and newly birthed stars, take in their advice while I stitched my heart back together. Is it possible for the Earth to open up and swallow a person if you ask nicely? Perhaps it would make an exception for me. After all, I'm merely a frail girl hearted girl who's bubble of a sheltered upbringing has been painfully popped. Maybe the Earth could spit me out when my hearted was healed. Make it harder than stone, than steel. Reform my heart out of diamonds, unbreakable yet _embarrassingly_ see through.

No matter what I wanted, I still went to sleep and awoke the next morning. I woke up with a blank mind and zero recollection of the previous day. I stayed in bed, grabbed my phone and just started scrolling. As far as I knew, time didn't exist. I forgot about my grief, about the day, the month, the year, I forgot about the plans I made with a friend yesterday. I dissociated with such intensity, I forgot who I was for a few minutes. It wasn't until I heard my dog shift around on her bed and sigh peacefully that I remembered all of these things with an uncomfortable hyperawareness.

I had lain in bed unnaturally stiff until I heard my mother bustling about the house. With my whole being rigid, left my room for a gloomy breakfast with her. I twitched as she noticed my unhappiness. With much reluctance I told her about what happened last night. By this point I was already tired of crying. It drained the life from me. Her incessant questioning wasn't helpful either. How was I supposed to know "how" or "why" or "Why didn't she tell you?" if she hadn't spoken to me in months? After I composed myself slightly, she asked, "Do you still want to out with your friend today?" This wasn't a matter of wanting it. I felt like I needed to go, if only to forget for a sliver of time. I wasn't aware of how true that was when I said it. I had never really been an apathetic person until then. Going about daily chores and later getting dressed to go, my bones were made of lead. It was like I had been zapped of my physical energy, emotions, even tears. My head was light as a feather and hollow, but my body weighed a ton. The Heartbreak Virus flowed through my veins. It was ready to burden my every move for the day. Interestingly, the first dose of medicine for that virus came in the form of a text from a dear friend. He said someone else would be tagging along with us that day. The next dose came when his car pulled into my driveway and I saw a mutual friend of ours sat in the passenger seat. I hadn't seen her in years.

Truthfully, there isn't much to say about what happened next. Happiness can be an extremely uneventful subject, as I've learned. There is no choir to sing praises about it, no well fitting chorus to come in at its peak, no musicals based upon this true story, but its not entirely forgotten either.

I learned this as soon as I stepped into his car and the weight of two people who were happy to see me hit. I learned this as we made a stop to bring soup to his aunt and waiting in the car, my second friend turned to me and she told me I looked much healthier and happier than the last time she saw me. I know for a fact I blushed even if she didn't call it out. That kind of honesty was a little surprising from her.

This friend, from the moment I met her in middle school she was loud, outgoing and bold. The complete opposite of myself, yet we bonded over anime and the regret we had over not getting the chance to tell a loved one who has passed away how much we cared for them. That was our first lengthy conversation and we both ended up teary eyed, lying on the classroom floor during our even lengthier lunch break. She's the only person I can imagine myself being so vulnerable with after knowing her for only a few days. I have no regrets about that.

She's charming in her own brash and straight forward way. Aggressive but never truly hostile unless she's been provoked. She once offered to beat up a guy for me, and I wouldn't put it past her if it came to the worst. I'd do the same for her. Whether she realizes it or not, her heart is gold. The _love_ in her voice when she talking about playing instruments, specifically the cello, makes me want to commit to the guitar. She's the prettiest girl, inside and out, I have the pleasure of knowing, yet she's so unsure of herself. She _is_ the anime stereotype of the character who at first glance is merely a hot headed fool, but their heart shines brighter than anything you've ever seen in your entire life. She's a higher being than myself but she struggles with the weight of depression and anxieties like so many others. As I'm writing this, she's texting me with a new found self confidence that's blowing me away. Whether she knows it or not, I'd do anything for her.

My dearest girl. I hope you know I adore you the same way the moon chases the sun; a brilliancy just out of reach, but sometimes the moon gets to linger in the sun's blinding presence. Of course you are the magnificent sun.

Real happiness is uneventful because all we did was wonder around the mall, typical mall goth behavior, even if none of us were dressed like it. I learned a bit about K-pop from my daring sun, though I've retained none of it. I accidentally came out of the closet to her while we were in line to get food. She didn't make a fuss about it, simply said, "Oh, really?" and asked when I found out. She listed with a serene expression, I could have been imagining it, but there may have been a hint of pride too. She's more perceptive and insightful than she lets on. At the time I didn't realize how grateful I was for her nonchalance.

Later on we waited for her father to pick her up, exchanging numbers in the process. I wasn't going to lose contact with her again. As her father's car came closer, the friend who drove us there put his phone in his pocket and said something along lines of, "I'm single now." To someone who doesn't know him well it probably would have sounded like a joke. I've known him for years, and it was so out of the blue that must have been true. The little sun asked if he was serious before she had to go. He didn't say anything and as I froze straight ahead, I don't know if he nodded.

After she drove away, it was my turn to go home. Walking through the mall and back to his car, he told me about the troubles he had been having with his girlfriend. I don't know if he heard it, but the uncertainty in his voice was crystal clear. "Arguing with someone who's always high off her ass is tiring." In the future, the time writing this, their relationship is much healthier, but back to the past. As much as I wanted to say something supportive, encouraging, I didn't know what. So I listened intently. Sometimes what you need is someone you trust to be there while you get things off your chest. Someone who judge or interrupt you.

Now, this boy, I've known him since middle school too, only a couple of years longer. He was the first friend I made after arriving at a new school. I was the foreigner there. I barely spoke the language and I was an easy target for bullying. While he was one of first people I spoke to, we were awkward pre teens in 2011. Not much progress was made until I mentioned Kingdom Hearts, hoping someone would recognize it. He was the only one who did. From that point on we've been friends. This guy, if it weren't for him there's a chance I would still be repressing myself, fearful and forcing myself to date someone I wasn't happy with. He was the first person I came out to. I didn't fully grasp what I had done until he did the same. Seeing him so confidently tell me about himself made me a little jealous. I've always had trouble viewing myself positively. Our birthdays are in the same month, a week apart. We're both terribly emotional and have a hard time showing it. There have been moments where we've drifted apart, but kept a caring eye on the other. 

I've seen him suffer through so much. He's the kind of person who isolates himself when he's dealing with something, like me. Regardless, I stood nearby every time. Some times that's enough when you're not comfortable talking about things just yet. I'm indebted to him. There's a chance I wouldn't be me if not for him and those occasional rose tinted glasses. This funky little man, I'd do anything for his happiness.

I'm not clever enough to turn how much I care about you into prose that flows like the most opulent of wines, so I hope another "I love you" will suffice, because I do, like family.

Real happiness is uneventful, I realized, as we got in the car, grabbed the aux cord and started to drive. He told me a little more about his relationship before falling silent. Knowing it was better to let the subject be tossed aside, I brought up anything I could. First was bands I had been listening to, then it escalated into laughing at a very well done meme on a scientific calculator. While it may not have been much, the air felt lighter. 

"Happiness is uneventful", was an epiphany I had sitting in the passenger seat of my best friend's car. He was quietly singing along to a smooth acoustic song, voice somber yet lovely, careful eyes on the road. The sun was sinking in front of us, casting the sky in a vivid gradient orange. With the light in his eyes they shone that signature hazel. Although I could see pain in those eyes, they were _so_ bright, so rich in all the things hasn't said aloud, that I knew he would be all right in the end, that _I_ would be all right in the end. 

Pain can be so heavy and lasting and happiness can feel so fleeting like it never happened in the first place. It seems so momentary because it actually is! The simplest of things can carry enough power to wash your mind and heart of aches so thoroughly that you forget about the misery, even if it's for one single, blissful, idyllic second. It's a priceless second yet it goes unnoticed. Taking food off the stove and it's not burnt, getting out of bed, a perfectly placed stroke of paint, a "thank you", a well composed sentence, hitting just the right pitch in a song, it goes on and on and on. These brief minutes, seconds, where all that matter is feeling joy or tranquility. A beautiful idyllic second.

In a pocket of time that passed like hours, I realized that the bitterness I had felt in the last 24 hours was not invalid. Pain and sadness are emotions felt just like every other. Also like them, they diminish. It sets like the sun and makes way for change. When the sun comes up again, it's similar, but it's a different day. The process continues and eventually the season, your heart, changes too. It's not overnight, it's gradual, slow enough to be comforting if you'll let it.

The interior of a small, music filled car, sitting next to someone who cared, with the sun retiring on an afternoon a few days away from New Year's Eve felt like a good place to start focusing on happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've taken the time to read this, thank you for giving me a chance! Also, if you caught the Florence + The Machine references, ;) maybe,,, come say hello on tumblr,, I'm procrastinating-witch there and while I'm not really active I'm trying to get into it!


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